Everybody is late for something at one time or another. Cars break down or become stuck in traffic, oversleeping happens unexpectedly, a child throws up and needs medical attention or you get held up collecting your dry cleaning. Yet, for some people running late isn't an occasional occurrence precipitated by an event mostly or completely out of their control.
For some people, being late is a way of defining themselves and a way of life. The problem is that this way of living and being is viewed upon with great suspicion in a society where promptness reveals your level of dedication and enthusiasm to relationships, work, studies and more.
If chronic tardiness has taken sway over your life and has turned into a defining trait of who you are, it's likely that you're losing out on job offers, great opportunities, friendships, and more, all because you're allowing tardiness to rule your life. Yes, you are letting it happen and it's time to do something about it before you lose any more opportunities and even friends.
This article is for people who are chronically late. It addresses the deeper psychological aspects of being late as a perpetual habit. For tips on how to be on time when it is an occasional rather than a pervasive issue, see
How to Be Punctual.
Steps
1
Accept that being late is rarely appropriate. While there are some cultures where lateness is considered the norm and even a desirable trait, if you're living in a culture that values timeliness and attention to the clock, then you're going to have to give
punctuality some credence, at least in those parts of your life where being late can impact your chances of leading a more fulfilling and successfully interactive life. Unless you're independently wealthy or live in a creative, artistic milieu that tolerates lateness, you're stuck with accepting being on time as the norm, so keep the languid lifestyle for your vacation times or for times when lateness isn't a big deal.
- Just be aware that while you can dig up as many examples of cultures that value tardiness as you like (something some late people try to do to self-justify), the examples aren't going to wash with your boss, job interviewer, your child's teacher or anyone else who expects you to be on time.
2
Pinpoint why you're a perpetually late person. And ask yourself why you haven't done anything about it. Lateness can be a sign of various psychological issues, and Keith Ablow MD, has distilled several of the main possibilities for the always late person as being: 1) a way to avoid anxiety; 2) a way to command deference from others around you; and 3) a way of testing others to prove their love for you.
There are also some other reasons, such as being disorganized or being too optimistic. In each case, there is often a
psychological need or underpinning that causes you to view lateness as a solution in place of dealing with the real, underlying problem. To work out if any of these reasons might apply in your case, ask yourself some questions:
- Anxiety avoidance: Do you stress intensely about things you feel you can't do, don't want to do, or can't find the resources to do but instead of finding solutions, you turn up late to events or to meet people as a way of trying to turn off the anxiety?
- Commanding deference: Do you "use" lateness as a way of ensuring that other people are waiting on you, on your words, on your go-ahead? Do you feel superiorbecause others must wait?
- Testing another person's love for you: Does making people wait for you serve as a way of confirming that they're willing to sacrifice their time and presence for your sake? Does that confirm for you that they truly love you in spite of what you're putting them through?
- Chaos is a sign of ability or dedication: Do you always find yourself running late in achieving deadlines, etc. all because you've worked yourself up so much and ended up in such a mess that you're less effective at working through things than if you'd just remained calm and focused?
Do you think that looking extremely busy and rushed equates with being valued?
- Optimism will have us there on time: Do you always underestimate travel time, work time, deadline time, etc.? Are you always certain that whatever happens, you'll manage it without having to plan or put buffers in place?
3
Make plans to dispel the anxiety. If the reason behind your being late is due to anxiety about cost, performance, ability to get to a place, or other reasons, planning ahead can help remove your anxiety and get you somewhere on time. For example, if you don't like turning up to exercise class on time because you're afraid of being seen as a klutz by the other people in your exercise group, you can plan to work out this issue instead of avoiding it. Schedule some one-on-one lessons for a few weeks to give you the space to overcome the clumsiness with new workout routines. Or talk to the instructor about your fears or plan to choose a spot at the back of the class where you can follow others but won't be so obvious. Planning allows you to overcome the hurdles with solutions. Other ways to plan to minimize the anxiety that causes lateness include:
- Have all of your notes, materials and other needs organized well in advance of the event so that all you have to do is grab them and go when it's the actual day. If mornings are a struggle for you, do as much as you can to ready yourself the night before.
- Talk to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable to be around about the issue that's bothering you. Rather than avoiding them by turning up late, plan to ask them for a little chat and politely discuss the particular behavior they've exhibited toward you that has been upsetting you.
Obviously, be diplomatic but it's better to deal with the matter than avoid it.
- If cost is a reason for turning up late, tell your friends that you're on a tight budgetand that you can't afford the same meals, outings or events that they can at this point in time.
Either sort out cheaper outings or meet-ups or make it clear that you'll only turn up for the part you can afford – that way, it's clear you're not late but that you'remaking a choice that your friends (or others) are totally aware of.
4
Stop using being late as a form of power over others. If this is the reason for your being late, it's time to stop before you have few friends and trusted colleagues. In this instance, everyone can see what you're doing but it's most likely that they're tolerating the lateness out of need to defer for one reason or another, not out of
respect or willingness. Consider how that should make you feel when you know the real reason behind them going along with your lateness; it's certainly not earned power. Realize that it won't be long before an assertive person calls you out on this tactic and brings you down to size, probably in front of everyone. And that won't look good.
- Keith Ablow MD says that you don't need to keep proving you're a leader through lateness. Leadership is proven through much more constructive and effective ways than manipulating obedience through expecting others to wait for you. Instead of keeping people waiting, challenge their thought processes by being and doing what you wish them to become and do.
In other words, show effective leadership in action not through domination. If you're struggling with this, seek help through mentoring or attend leadership workshops.
- Be more respectful and considerate of others. Thomas Szasz once said that"keeping another person waiting is a basic tactic for defining him as inferior and oneself as superior".
Everyone's time is important, not just yours, and by being late you effectively hold up other people. While it may not seem much if you're in a position of authority, it is a form of abusing another person's time, so learn to see it this way and stop doing it.
- Realize that people do notice lateness and that they don't like it, period. If people are covering up for your lateness, they're doing it out of necessity, not out of respect. And bear in mind the old saying that people count up the faults of those who keep them waiting.
After all, there's not much else to focus on while twiddling thumbs waiting for you...
5
Find your source of self-esteem within. If you feel a need to use lateness as a form of testing your loved ones' loyalty and determination to stick with you, there is something missing inside, namely self-love. Remind yourself that you don't need others to constantly prove they care about you by giving up their time waiting around for you. Eventually expecting this wears thin, even if it's years later and you'll receive rude shocks when people start telling you that they're no longer waiting around. Treat being on time as a matter of expressing love in itself, as an invitation to being part of a team, and not as a matter of neediness and uncertainty. And if your self-esteem needs a boost, don't hesitate to give it that chance – improved self-esteem will enhance all aspects of your life.
6
Relax. If being late is your idea of an expression of being important, busy and the linchpin of the operations, then you're risking an early grave brought about by
stress! The person who feels that they just have to make a fuss all the while they're running behind schedule and complaining about not being able to get everything done on time and yet behaving
indispensable despite the tardiness, turns what could have been a potentially smooth, calm and timely activity into a frenetic, crazily paced and often haphazard one that brings about its own lateness. By instilling more calm into your life, your lateness in achieving things and meeting deadlines will be reduced considerably. The choice is yours and there are no brownie points for taking the hard and frantic path. Remind yourself that it will be done on time and that the calmer you are, the more efficient and focused you are, and therefore you're much more likely to be on time.
- For example, think of the case where someone is preparing for a festive dinner for the family. That person is in a position to make a choice between preparing in a relaxed and calm manner or taking a frenetic and disorganized approach. Perhaps if this person has only ever witnessed chaos being the usual method for getting the festive meal together, then that's how they approach all preparation for festive meals and unfortunately, it becomes a bad habit.
In reality, there is no need for getting worked up about the preparation – it doesn't prove dedication or expertise and it's all so much easier to calm down, go with the flow and remain relaxed.
7
Be realistically optimistic. Everyone loves optimism but even this good vibe can go too far when it enters the realm of magical thinking and
hopefulness at the expense of realistic outcomes. As with the anxious person, an overly optimistic assessment of your ability to get from A to B in
peak hour traffic or to finalize a deadline without resources comes about as a result of a lack of planning.
Keep your optimism intact but temper it with solid plans that include
contingencies for things that might hold you up and cause lateness, such as traffic flow, the ink running out or a vital item not turning up on time. Have plans A, B and C in place to make up for the obvious potential detours.
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